February 12, 2020
If you’re like most busy wives and moms, the struggle to connect with your spouse and build a powerful marriage during the chaos of life is one of the hardest battles we face. Staying connected should not be something we need to “battle” or be frustrated about, but more often than not, that’s absolutely what happens.
When our work is demanding, our kids are being busy or needy, our house is messy, and our schedule is insane, connecting with our spouse becomes extremely difficult. It’s a challenge to keep a positive focus, and maintain a strong marriage.
Keeping our intimate bond strong with regular small interactions will show our partner how very much we care, and our key relationship will continue to develop, thrive, and blossom.
Have you discussed and set priorities for your family with your spouse? If you value your relationship and want to keep it strong, in spite of a busy schedule you need to set a priority to establish your marriage as the center of your married life.
Trust me, you’re not going to take anything from your kids. Rather, you will add to their sense of safety and help them know what it takes for a lasting marriage to be created.
Many families, the wife, husband, and children carry on duties and responsibilities without much effort or discussion. Everyone ends up going from one activity to another and feeling awful most of the time, leaving little energy or time for you and your spouse to connect physically, emotionally, sexually or in any other way.
Don’t buy in this way of thinking. Your kids don’t have to do all the activities and you don’t have to say yes with every request for your time. This does not mean that your children should not be involved in activities, but it does mean that you and your spouse should decide which actions are reasonable in aspects of your family’s goals, energy and time.
And if one of your goals is to communicate regularly with your partner, you may need to cut down on some activities or drop some commitments.
It’s simple to go for days when things get busy without speaking about anything other than schedules, carpools, pick-up times and errands. So be intentional about taking at least 15-20 minutes each day to speak to your spouse about what’s going on in your lives.
If that is what it takes to make it happen, put it on your schedule. In the morning, right after work, before sleep, you can do it – anything that works for both of you.
For instance, we try to make time to talk or text each other, several times per day, and when my husband isn’t working, at bedtime. It provides us time to communicate with each other and sets us to face challenges together.
If possible, every night, but at least multiple times a week. Put away your gadgets and be intentional about using the time to connect. Going to bed together allows you to speak and relax and paves the way for love and intimacy.
Yes, it requires time, and often it is because you are tired. But it’s critical if you want to communicate, remain close as a couple and create a strong marriage. But it doesn’t always take much time – while a long romantic interlude is awesome, a quick romp sometimes offers you with all the connection you need! (And remember, it’s not just for your spouse – intimacy is also for you!)
Do you hold on to little annoyances, things your spouse says or does that bug you? I try not to, but I sometimes need to make a deliberate choice to let go of it.
If you commonly feel angry, it becomes more difficult to keep a positive connection. Consider deciding to forgive and let go of some things. I’m not talking about serious problems in your marriage (those need to be resolved), but more the little stuff. It’s not worth investing anger or frustration over little things.
This way, each of you gets to relate in ways that make him or her most comfortable. For example, you could enjoy a cup of coffee and also some conversation at the dining room table on Sunday morning, then paint a room together on a Sunday afternoon. Or maybe the two of you prefer many ways of connecting. Only be sure to doing something that “speaks” for each of you at least once a week.
Instead of always concentrating on your projects, sometimes things change and work together on projects. For example, if he always works on the yard and outside projects, work together outside of one Sunday. Or if you’re doing all the interior painting, ask him to work with you one weekend to paint a room, or work on a project that you both appreciate (such as gardening) or share the “pain” of a project that you both hate (like cleaning out the garage).
Walking, jogging, or biking together. Train together for a charity walk or race. Take hiking and dancing. Let them play outside when you walk where you can see them if you have little kids. My husband and I used to walk and talk around the yard while our kids were playing outside. Do whatever you both appreciate getting you to move together.
If you’re plugged in all the time, you can’t communicate with your spouse, or anybody else in your lives, meaningfully. So put your phone, tablet, and computer away and spend some time together without the distractions of the electronics.
After a couple of years of marriage, the ‘hot and heavy’ kissing we once enjoyed sometimes disappears. Add a few children and a hectic schedule to the combination, and kissing tends to relegate a couple of times a day to a small peck on the lips! One way to remain attached to your husband is to kiss him every day! Try it for a week, every day, when you come and go.
We like to kiss right in front of our 9 year old, because it grosses him out. It makes us laugh and feel good, haha.
If your schedules enable it, get in touch with your spouse by speaking on the phone at least once a day, just to see how things are going for you both. Send a short email or text if speaking is not possible, just to let him know you’re thinking about him.
I’m not talking about having more lovemaking, I’m talking about infusing your relationship with fun energy – the communications and movements that say “I want you.” Sexual energy “boosters” come in many forms – fun texts, sexy nicknames, code names, fast but steamy kisses or touches, and intimacy activity planning and anticipation.
You may want to use essential oils that increase libido, give or receive a massage, trying anything outside your comfort zone, or anything that keeps you sexually connected. (This is the essential oil blend I love for perfume and getting in the mood… “Whisper Essential Oil Blend for Women“.)
Maybe your libido has gone off track, or you’re wondering “Is there something wrong with me?” I’m going to give you a hint, the answer is no! But to get things going again, you may want to try some new, amazing tools. Essential oils can help with massage, negative emotions and libido. Grab my 15 Secret Recipes for Intimacy HERE.
Are you probably familiar with the five love languages, but do you consistently speak the language of your husband? When your schedule becomes crazy, maximize your bond by showing his love in the way God created him to receive it – this is a simple but strong way to communicate with your husband in a busy life.
It’s simple to get stuck in our daily routines and miss out on the needs around us. God often calls His people to meet. But perhaps God calls us and our spouses to break out of our routines and do something for Him once in a while. Trying to step out in faith to do God’s work is a great way to stay connected while acknowledging real needs in our communities.
If you have young children, it might be an easy thing to like serving together at a soup kitchen once a quarter. If you don’t have kids or older kids, it could be something bigger, like consistently working in a homeless ministry or going on a mission trip together.
Trust me, it’s worth investing in the relationship you have with your spouse or significant other. You can be best friends, and by the end of your life it will be your most valuable asset and source of happiness. Don’t let it wither away from malnourishment. Give it the nourishment it needs to grow and flourish, and it will bring you deeper satisfaction and fulfillment than you can imagine!